how to catch a guy, and keep him too!

We all know how scary it is to date, even if you are a young, attractive and soft spoken young lady like yourself… yes I’m talking to you. Tried every trick in the book… ? Have you changed look numerous times to find a good suitor and no one has asked your father if he can bring you on a date yet? Have you been a good girl, and mastered the near-impossible art of being completely desirable without showing any sort of desire yourself? Have you traded in your Delilah pumps for some sombre Bathsheba flats? If you have tried all the above and you are still looking out your window for Mr. Right, look no more! Here are my essential dating guidelines for the modern, independent woman.

So first off, while we know that what really keeps a good chap is your golden-star personality… we also know that what catches him is a beautiful smile and feminine curves. The first thing you have to do, ladies, is to work on your overall look:

Step 1: Your overall look

Smile: The key to catching a man’s eye is with a perfectly symmetrical set of pearly white teeth. Nobody likes a girl who can’t keep herself, and think about how horrible it would be if a random guy on the street asked you to smile and you had to humiliate him by just walking away. Besides, what your potential beau will be thinking is, ‘if she can’t keep her own mouth clean, then how can I expect her to keep the house clean?’. This is why you should brush your teeth at least six times a day, and floss every-time you open your mouth (top tip: the less you yawn, sneeze, cough, chew, drink or show any signs of vitality the easier it is to manage… try rationing the use of your mouth daily and if you’re a busy bee you can even plan a weekly schedule). For those girls out there who work, try to explain to your boss that this is really important to you, and that you might be a little late to meetings if they clash with your brushing routine.

Skin: Your skin is a way for others to discern the kind of lifestyle you lead… and I don’t say that very lightly! Everybody knows that a girl with blemishes and black-spots is irresponsible and a bit of a ‘free-spirit’ (i.e. something a man might fancy for a night, but not a lifetime!). The way you diet is also demonstrated in how your skin looks. Remember girls: a spot on your forehead is just nature’s way of telling you that you were a bad girl with that chocolate last night. Due to increased pressure by the media to create unrealistic standards on female appearance, your man will most likely always expect the best, and it is up to you to entertain that fantasy. Personally, I go through an intensive grooming regime which leaves me with near perfect skin. I soak my head for two hours every night in goat milk, and spend nearly half my salary on expensive products… it may seem like a lot of money but once you are married always remember that it will be up to your husband to take care of you!

Hair: This is an obvious one. Always, always, ALWAYS go to the hairdresser before seeing him. Unlike what we may think, a man does notice the small things and, especially in the courting stages it is imperative that you look your best at all times. Another important tip is that you keep your hair at a medium to long length. Men find short hair intimidating, which will most likely lead him to become disinterested and move on. The only time a girl can afford to wear her hair short is if she is very petite, so that her man is sure he can take her if needs be. Always wear your hair up if it is a special occasion, like when you meet his parents… nothing says ‘I’m feminine, responsible and won’t emasculate your boy’ like a fabulous up-do!

The other hair: Completely bald. Everywhere. Look at a picture of yourself before you hit puberty for reference.

Makeup: Never use lipstick which clashes too much with your outfit or hair colour. (Grown-girl top tip: the colour of your nipples is also a good indication of the perfect lip tone you were looking for. Obviously never tell that to your man, because he will think you are disgusting.)

Step 2: Your Behaviour

On dates: Men work very hard for their careers, so it is always polite to ask and listen about his job and aspirations. Never contradict him or make him feel insecure about his position by telling him something he doesn’t know. Try to sound smarter by reading up on a few history books, but remember that men hang around other intelligent and interesting men all day… so try to talk about less important topics such as animal welfare. When you get to the restaurant, always for the lightest option (usually, the garden salad and a glass of champagne), and tell your man what you want so he can order it for you. Never order for yourself, it’s humiliating for him and you will come across as a loose woman. When the check arrives, never try to pay for your half – men don’t want to know you own things.

Important reminder: never sleep with a guy before he asks you to go steady, you will come across as morally corrupt and undignified. 

With his parents: Always be on your best behaviour, don’t speak unless you are spoken to and, unless they say otherwise, insist on calling his parents Mr. and Mrs X. Always offer to help his mother in the kitchen and housework, never be found alone with his father or other male member of his family.

At work: If you find yourself fortunate enough to visit your beau at work, pack him a light energising snack to show him you thought about him. Be gracious and polite, socialising with his peers in a way that is polite and restrained. Remember that a man’s workplace is his private territory, and you must not try to infiltrate it.

Step 3: Your private lives

If after a few months of dating you and your boy have decided to take things to the next level, here are some essential tips to follow.

Never make him feel inadequate or that he is not able to please you. Remember that while his sexual gratification is natural and easy to achieve, yours is not always present or in any case essential. It is a fact that men enjoy making love more than women, while we find pleasure in other walks of life such as caring for our children and gardening.

Work up to the special moments and try to read him.

If you feel like you are not satisfying him enough, ask him kindly what you can do to make him even happier with you – but remember not to talk about sex too much with him because it is not polite.

While some men are eager to talk about their fantasies openly, others are more reserved and take time – whichever the situation, be prepared to indulge him when he is ready.

This goes without saying but never, EVER talk about any other men you might have been with – men are competitive and may feel like they are less attracted to you if they think about you with another man. If you feel like your man is especially insecure about this, then consider dressing more conservatively and going out less – in time this will make him realise that you are a responsible, well-to-do girl.

Now that you have read these you are ready to get into the dating world once again – so throw on your best dress, comb your hair – and don’t forget to pack some dental floss!

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